Being Human (sucks)
by roumiwrites
Summary: AU-ish reaction ficlet set during 9x03, where Cas is being a whiny human instead of his miserable canon self.


**Because I still have too many feels from 9x03 and needed to write some crack (meaning: I wrote my own version of what human!Cas would be like). It's not really well written and now that I'm re-reading it, it's not my best _at all_ but it sounded funny in my head, so...  
**

* * *

Castiel has only been at the bunker for two days and Dean's already had more than enough of the ex-angel and his neverending bitching.

For instance, Cas is fond of the water pressure there but he doesn't like the smell of shampoo and how it lingers on his hair and his skin after every shower. And of course he moans about it every _damn_ morning, asking why he has to put all those chemicals in order to be clean, and all Dean can do is roll his eyes and drink his coffee in silence, watching his little brother and the former angel argue about the advantages of 100% biological shampoos, and being careful to force them apart everytime they are starting to plot about changing anything in his habits. He already eats too much green things for his own good. There's not a chance in _Hell_ he's now buying biological shampoo crap that smells of flower fields.

If only the list stopped there, Dean could have managed it. But the fact is Cas also doesn't like the taste of coffee. The first time he spat his mouthful in his mug and literally _shoved _it back into Dean's chest before running to the bathroom to wash his teeth - or to eat the toothpaste as Dean caught him doing once. And of course, Cas doesn't like the smell either. When Sam had asked him how anyone could _not like_ the smell of freshly brewed coffee, Dean had been tempted to reply "_Satan_", before remembering his brother probably wouldn't find that one funny.

At least Cas isn't a girl when it comes to pain. As he's told them, when he still had his Grace he was able to feel pain, only in another form then what he now feels as a human. But does he really have to tell them _anytime_ he cuts himself on a piece of paper? Dean is sure _not_, but Sam is always so fascinated to hear Cas' impressions after smashing his toe against the door, it's like he's planning on writing an essay about the subject.

Cas is totally a girl when his wings start itching, though. Yeah, according to the fallen angel, he still got them feathery extremities, although they are now completely useless. Dean has tried to picture how _that_ must feel like, having an itch on your invisible and impalpable wings... It sounds like something he would be complaining if it was happening to him, though, so he is not really blaming Cas for that one.

But unlike a certain whiny ex-angel, Sam and Dean are trying to get some work done in the bunker, and with Cas strolling around complaining day and night is slowly getting on his nerve.

And it doesn't take much when he finally looses it.

It happens when Sam, Dean, Kevin and Castiel are all in the library. They tend to always stick together, living in each other's pocket really, none of them feeling comfortable on their own. And it's also out of necessity because when something unexpected happens like a demon or and angel attack (or both), they can all know it at the same time and would be able to quickly make plans instead of loosing precious time looking for each other in the labyrinth of the spacious bunker and its numerous hallways and rooms and hidden passages.

Sam and Dean are busy on Sam's laptop, trying to decide if a weird string of deaths in Wisconsin has something to do with the evil son of a bitch who's taken the angels' lead after Naomi, Cas is rummaging through the fridge mumbling to himself and Kevin is eating his Reese's Puffs, chewing slowly, eyes glassy and tired.

"- maybe... it's just some sick bastard?"

"Cas, close the fridge," Kevin says, eyes on his bowl of cereals.

"It's Bart, I know it."

"OK, let's say it's Bartholomew. But why would he suddenly move to _Wisconsin_? Of all places-"

"Cas, the fridge."

"I don't know," Dean replied with a shrug, "maybe he likes the food there, how the hell would I know? I'm not in that guy's head."

"_Cas! I'm fucking freezing, man!_"

"Cas, close the _damn_ fridge!" Dean yells, making everyone start and they all hear Cas' head slam against one of the shelves, the clinking of bottles against bottles loud in the deafening silence.

When Cas slowly takes his head out of the fridge and turns around, he's wearing the bitchiest faces Dean has ever seen. Even Sam 'king of the bitch face' can't compete with this one.

Lips drawn tight, eyebrows raised in a disdainful way, Cas slams the door of the fridge, and that simple gesture makes Dean see red.

"Oh for God's sake, Cas, stop being such a brat."

Dean watches Cas' head turn brusquely in his direction and he remembers all the times Castiel has looked at him like that.

Everytime it's happened in the past, Dean's had the impression Cas was either going to smite him... or fuck him against the nearest wall.

Then Cas starts walking toward him and Dean has to stop himself from standing up and going on the other side of the table. He's a man, and he doesn't fear fallen, powerless angels. Not _really_.

When Cas slips between Sam and Dean's chairs before facing Dean, slamming one hand flat on the table and the other on the back of Dean's chair, it's all Dean can do to not lean back.

But then Cas' _really_ pissed off face comes _really_ close and Dean is fucking _forced _to lean back.

"You know what, Dean?" Cas asks in his darkest tone and Dean fears the worst. "Pie doesn't even taste _that_ good."

And then just like that, he walks out of the library, leaving Dean wide-eyed and gaping like a fish out of the water.

"_Dude, low blow_," Sam mouths soundlessly before focusing on his laptop again, and Kevin nods in agreement.


End file.
